


all the stains and things

by thebitterbeast



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Ray's not a ball of sunshine, mentions of non graphic dubcon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23375914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebitterbeast/pseuds/thebitterbeast
Summary: A blast from the past has Ray revealing more than he likes about his life.
Relationships: Ray Palmer & Mick Rory, Ray Palmer/Mick Rory, Ray Palmer/Original Male Character (Past)
Comments: 13
Kudos: 49





	all the stains and things

**Author's Note:**

> I have no real explanation for this except I have a lot of headcanons about Ray's past relationships and Ray Palmer in general. And a love for angst and pain.

He never really talked about his past with anyone. Oh, brief mentions here and there of foster siblings he was in touch with, in-depth ramblings about studies he had done, and anything nerdy. But it was always more calculated than anyone realized. A way to deflect and distract so no one ever looked too closely.

If they looked, if they really looked, they would see all the cracks in his façade, and Ray was sure that he would crumble.

So he smiled and he joked, and he played the fool. He acted naïve and oblivious and happy, and no one was the wiser for it.

But today, he faltered. He could not help it, the way he froze in his tracks, smile twisting on his face, eyes widening. It was the last thing he expected to be confronted with, and one glance was all it took for him to be seventeen again. Seventeen and far too young, far too inexperienced, far too eager to please.

It was as if everything was going dark around him. He felt light-headed and woozy, and he thought he was swaying slightly.

Oh, he wasn’t breathing.

Ray took a gulp of air greedily, and tried to take a step back. Tried to be as small as possible, which is difficult considering he was as tall as he was. Owen’s eyes flicked towards him as he moved, and Ray froze again as their eyes met and recognition flashed across his face.

Fuck, but he wanted to run. He wanted to cower and hide like he had not had the chance to when Owen had charmed his way into his life, Ray too starry-eyed at this older scientist’s attention to realize that there were limits to his comfort at the attention. By the time Owen had gotten him into bed, Ray had not known how to say no, had been too afraid to lose the affection that he had only too late realized had conditions attached to them.

“Ray Palmer, is that you?” The voice was the same, friendly and bright, but Ray felt like he had something crawling all over him. He felt dirty as he shoved a smile on his face, tried to pretend everything was okay. “I cannot believe it. It’s been years since I’ve seen that face.” Owen moved confidently, and Ray felt like an awkward teenager again, in awe at the ease at which the older worked a crowd, and at once uncomfortable in his own skin. The older man clapped a hand on his shoulder, and Ray fought the automatic urge to flinch and duck away from the touch.

“Owen, hi.” Over the man’s shoulder, he could see the confusion settling on his teammates’ faces at his unenthusiastic reply. Ray could not bring himself to paste on his usual mask, instead wrapping one he had long thought he had given up – one to hide his fear and his revulsion and his shame – around him instead. “How have you been?”

Owen squeezed his shoulder, and lowered his hand to hold on to Ray’s bicep. There was something in his eyes that Ray recognized and had him fighting a shudder. “Apparently not as good as you. You still work out like college, huh? With the big boys now?” And the smirk on his face, the way his eyes lingered on first his lips, then his waist, then –

“No, I’m in the lab more,” and when Ray shrugged, it was calculated to make Owen’s hand drop, to move back a little.

The older man did not push back into Ray’s space, but that glint in his eyes, the one Ray knew too well, kept his hackles up. “Yeah, we had some good times in the labs too.”

Good for Owen, maybe. All Ray remembered was not being able to enter that particular room for months, unsure if his soft words were spoken or imagined, unsure if he had asked for it, like Owen had said. He swallowed thickly, eyes shooting to his teammates. They looked confused, though his heart pounded when his gaze landed on Mick.

Mick, who knew a little too much. Not everything, no, but his jaw was tenser than usual, and Ray knew he would have to come up with an explanation to satisfy the questions Mick had.

The truth was painful and shameful, and Ray could not bear to see disgust in Mick’s face.

“Yeah,” he finally managed to get around the lump in his throat. “It’s good to see you, but I gotta,” he gestured vaguely at his teammates.

While Nate looked like he was going to deny that they had anywhere to head out to, Sara looked contemplative. She nodded slightly, shot Owen an insincere smile. “Sorry.”

Owen chuckled, and once again, his hand gripped Ray’s bicep and he squeezed. “We should meet up. Catch up over dinner.”

Ray’s lungs seized in his chest, and the words to deny, to say no, no, no, no, please, no, stuck in his throat. He was sure he looked ridiculous, unable to move or to say anything. There was nothing he wanted less than to see Owen again, to be alone with Owen again.

“Haircut,” the low growl broke through the haze that had settled in his mind. It was comforting and warm, and it wrapped around him and helped him pull away from Owen with just a bland smile and no agreement. “Move.”

Ray met Mick’s eyes, and took a deep breath, freeing himself from every memory dragging him under. “Bye, Owen,” was all he said as he carefully made his way around him to Mick. It was a relief when Mick stepped behind him, as though shielding him from Owen’s view. He closed his eyes, took a shuddering breath, and as soon as he felt like he could breathe freely again, straightened up and donned his usual mask.

The team took one look at him, his discomfort hidden, his earlier emotions all carefully tucked away where no one would see, not even him, and relaxed. This was the Ray they knew, and they did not need to worry about him.

Behind him, he felt Mick brush against him as he moved to stand next to Ray. The former thief crossed his arms across his chest, and almost involuntarily Ray glanced over. Mick was already looking at him, gaze heavy and searching. “This ain’t over, Haircut,” he said lowly.

He wanted to pretend he did not know what Mick was talking about, but he found himself nodding instead. “Just, not now.”

* * *

If Ray had thought Mick would forget about the talk he had promised, or that he would be able to avoid the older man, he had another thing coming. The mission was over, and the rest of the team had easily accepted his calling Owen an old friend. It had left a sour taste in his mouth, but it was better than explaining who Owen had been to him once.

It kept the pity and disgust he knew would come after at bay.

He slipped away to his room, shoulders remaining tense even as he heard the door slide shut behind him. Give it a second – and there, the door slid open again. He did not look back at Mick. Because it was definitely Mick.

Ray sighed, shaking his head. “Any way we can just pretend we had this talk?”

The silence was more telling than anything Mick could have said.

“Yeah, didn’t think so.” He still refused to turn, to see the expression on Mick’s face change from apathy to revulsion. Another sigh. “You must have guessed that Owen and I,” here, Ray faltered. “Dated,” he finally managed to get out. “It didn’t end very well.” He shrugged, hoping that Mick would drop it, but knowing that he would not.

Ray could hear Mick shift, and he hunched his shoulders, waiting for something that would never happen. Mick was not Owen, no matter what memories he was lost in. It was quiet, the only sounds in his room were the sounds of their breathing.

And then, “What else, Haircut? What did he do?”

The scientist closed his eyes. “Can’t we just stop it at that?”

A beat. “No.”

He sighed again. “It was my first real relationship. He was older. You can do the math.” Mick would not make him say it. Would he?

“How old were you?” The growl in Mick’s voice was dark. Ray kept his mouth shut. “Haircut,” the growl deepened, grew more urgent.

“Seventeen,” he finally said softly.

“And the other?”

There was no way he could not answer now. “Twenty-four.”

Mick swore. “Did you even know what you were getting into?”

Truthfully? At the time, Ray had soaked up the much wanted attention and affection. He had realized too late what it meant, what he had to do to keep it. He had given up parts of himself, and something in him had broken. No matter what he did, he could not fix himself. He could only hide his scars behind smiles and optimism.

Mick seemed to realize he was not going to get anything else out of Ray. “You know it wasn’t your fault, right?”

“Sure,” but Ray sounded unenthused, and Mick obviously noticed.

“Haircut,” he paused. “Ray.”

That got Ray’s attention. He turned to finally face Mick, surprised. There was nothing but empathy on Mick’s face, and it had Ray’s shoulders loosening just a little bit.

“It was not your fault.” The scientist watched as Mick cautiously stepped forward, moving carefully to give Ray time to duck away. He stayed where he was, though his eyes were carefully trained on the other man. Mick pat his shoulder awkwardly. “I’ll kill him.”

The laugh that startled out of Ray was a little bit wet. How many times had he wished someone would be on his side? Fight on his behalf? “No,” he murmured, folding in on himself. “No, it’s not worth it.”

Mick took another step forward. Ray watched. “Yeah,” the thief said. To Ray’s surprise, Mick moved until Ray was resting against him, but with enough space to get away if he wished. “You are.”

And Ray just collapsed against the older man, quiet tears leaking out of his eyes. He felt ashamed, and dirty, and all sorts of shattered.

But for the first time, he was not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to yell at me on [tumblr](http://ankahikoibaat.tumblr.com/)!


End file.
